in between thoughts

+ what is going on

Incredibly, I have been enjoying the slowing down of life into autumn. Having been on tour all year, I am now focusing on being. Last week I bought myself an alarm clock that loudly ticks as I fall asleep. I opened every single alarm clock box in the everything shop down the road because the first one I opened did not look anything like the one pictured on the box, and then I was extremely curious about what all the alarm clocks looked like. It was good that I did because every single box had a different style clock inside it to the one in the picture on the front. I bought a little red one, but when I put a battery inside the alarm worked but the hands on the clock did not move. So I went back to the shop and changed it (unknowingly) for the one with the loud ticking.

I was asked by a friend why I was doing this - it is because I don’t want to touch my phone in the morning, but I usually need to know what time it is and also to wake up before I want to. A side effect I didn’t know I would be grateful for as I fall asleep is endless ticking of a clock by my head.

that’s different shapes

I’ve been reading a lot the past few weeks. Cooking, reading, looking after dogs and being around people I love very much and now suddenly I’m interacting with a lot of people and it hit me hard. So I went alarm clock shopping and slowed down. I got into an album by Hayden Pedigo, it’s called I’ll Be Waving As You Drive Away. I listened to it a few times on a long solo drive and loved it. Otherwise I haven’t been listening to much.

But it is interesting to me that what you give your attention to is what has power over you. The other day as I lay in bed listening to the endless tick-tock I imagined myself swaying to sleep with it, and remembered the clock I had in my childhood bedroom that ticked so loudly that at sleepovers I’d have to put it in another room or my friends wouldn’t be able to sleep.

And that made me think of the summer camps I spent my teenage years at, and somebody there telling me how they loved the sound of other people snoring because they could lock into how peaceful they were and fall asleep too.

Or my sister telling me that she used to be scared when flying but then she decided that turbulence is fun and then it became easy. So it’s back to this idea: you can just think anything.

who cares

So: If you’re struggling with being at the moment, have you considered that maybe it’s because you won’t surrender to the moment you’re in?

I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power Of Now and Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. I think they are saying more or less the same thing but 2000 years apart so the context is different. But it’s mainly the same. Human brains haven’t changed much in 2000 years I don’t think. If you’re struggling at the moment I recommend reading them. Main takeaways:

Confine your operations to your own concerns and wait quietly for your own dissolution.

and

…humans have the universe

something like that anyway.

What else? Sheila Heti’s Pure Colour and also her Alphabetical Diaries. I really enjoyed and I am really enjoying (respectively) these books:

“Art is not essential, but love is essential, and maybe that is why people make art, to express their love of something - that tree, humans, the world, language, intensity of thought - and the person who doesn’t respond to a work of art is perhaps missing the love of the thing that the artist is pointing to, lovingly.”

Isn’t that amazing.

The things that you give your attention to are the things that will have power over you. A couple of weeks ago I read Maggie Nelson’s Bluets and it reminded me about how being heartbroken feels and so I felt like that for a bit and I did not like it. I finished it fast so I wouldn’t have to think about it again. It’s that easy.

Noticing that whatever I’m reading is how I’m feeling. So do everything with intention. I wrote something for this blog but it was bitter, so I re-wrote it, re-thought it for another time, goodbye bitterness!

Thanks for your time, back soon x