Clouds In The Sky They Will Always Be There For Me

new album, new song out today

Hello, I can’t believe I finally get to tell you that we have a new album out on October 18th. It’s called Clouds In The Sky They Will Always Be There For Me. It looks like this:

These songs came out of a long period of burnout and heartbreak, but the first song we’ve released, Sick Of The Blues, is an attempt to let go of it.

Sick Of The Blues is about being heartbroken and taking back some joy, remembering that you’re the source of your own happiness, not someone else, even when you’re hurt and left with a hole in your heart. It’s a get up off your bed go fucking roll around on the floor with your friends song, laughing or crying, whatever it is just get up off your bed and do something.

There always seem to be points within despair where you can decide to take back control of your senses. I just wanted to find some joy again, let it go, stop letting it consume me. I wanted the simplicity of the love I felt, to not overthink it, to have fun and enjoy it. I wanted to live day by day, not worrying what the next minute and the last minute meant. To love wholly, to not take anything too seriously, just be in it. To remove the tunnel vision and welcome everything in. It’s a practice, say it until it’s true.

A lot of this album was written in the midst of heartache. Now it’s made, that heartache has made me want to run away from it completely. Never perform it, never talk about it. I don’t really know how to not talk about it, to not overthink it all. I am also so ready to share it. Making this album was one of the most creatively fulfilling experiences I’ve ever had. We went there, followed every thread, became better musicians and better friends. Fully went into every emotional spiral, up and down. It took a huge amount of openness, energy and collaborative effort.

Because of that, every time I’ve been asked to write about this album so far the words just pour out. I could talk forever. But when it comes to sharing what I’ve said, written, thought, I suddenly balk, it feels too present, too raw, too brutal. I read the album bio and kept wincing. Why would I share that? Why would I keep poking at it instead of letting it go, letting it settle?

Every so often I feel overly exposed. Feeling exposed doesn’t seem to be about how exposed I actually am, but more to do with how I assume people are perceiving me. Less about my inner world, more about how I perceive others in relation to me. How the ways I choose to share allow people to feel closer to me, know more from further away. The anxiety of being exposed lies in a fear of losing control over a narrative that someone may have about you. It also lies in being flattened into any narrative at all.

It spirals. I want to write, but writing by its nature cannot include everything, has to focus in. Nothing generalised is worth the time, close studies are what are interesting, important. I don’t want to be read when I think of what is left out, but I’ve already started, so I need to keep going, add more details.

There are options. One is to push through, to get over it, to realise that nobody really is thinking about you, judging you, that it doesn’t matter if they are. Write if you want to write. I went there, so I should show people how. Some people will be grateful for what you shared, for your generosity. People may misunderstand, let them. Share the details. I wrote a record to get through an emotional mess, it doesn’t show the whole story, but it explains something.

I could hide fully, turn away, turn inwards, disappear. Write but not share. The safe option, never push past the moment of creating through the terror of sharing into the strange thing that happens next. The transformative part.

Or I could share partially, limit how much is given away. Expose but not too much. Maybe that does a disservice to the thing waiting to be shared, keeps things too general.

There’s something in my fear of being exposed about retaining dignity, worrying about being too much. I put on a brave face as if sharing it doesn’t bother me, or I put up a wall and don’t share it at all. I think I need to share it and to say it’s hard and I’m struggling with it. Not because I need pity or affirmation (so please don’t offer me those), but because it’s transformational. I’m not ready to share it, but I am compelled to because it has to be put somewhere, because I need to go to the next place.

I keep sharing because it’s part of a process of writing. The whole thing is difficult. But sharing is transformative, creates new meaning and healing around old wounds. Allows people to respond to the call, whatever it is. Writing it down needs spitting it out, being seen is part of the thing. Being seen not by a particular number of people, but the potential to be seen by anyone who may be looking. It’s not about how people receive something, but the peace you can find through letting it be seen however it is seen.

Being exposed is terrifying because I am saying here I am, you can look if you want, I will relinquish my control over the narrative. I will offer what I have and you can look however you choose to.

And letting things go also allows you to take them to new places. There was a tour we went on a few years ago where I tried to re-define the feelings around a memory. It became known within the band as New Memories With Fish Pie. Everywhere we went I would expose myself to things that would trigger painful memories in an attempt to rewire them. Go to the difficult place and transform it, let it exist somewhere new.

The song ends up not being about the moment lying heartbroken on the bed, but the week after with my band in our old studio in Portslade, the shows where we first played these songs, the month spent recording in Frome, the weekend in Paris at The Pompidou. The places we’ve taken these songs have changed what they mean to me, where they sit in my body, how I hear them, sing them, feel about them.

Somebody said to me recently that it’s good that I sing. I agree, it transforms me.

I look forward to sharing this album with you.

More info and tour dates at porridgeradio.com / you can pre-order the album here / and sign up to our newsletter for band news ☁️